Sunday, September 20, 2009

Dave's All Time Best Token Blackies (#16-20)

This list, which was inspired by a joke I made about Matt, Arie, and Riis (the post is here), was originally intended to be a top 10. It was going to be one pretty simple post and then I was going to be done with it. When I started to actually work on it, I found myself having way too much fun. There was absolutely no way I was going to keep it a top 10.

So with that being said, I give you the first installment of...

Dave's Top 20 Token Black People of All Time

#20 - OJ Simpson
Before he became famous for not fitting into isotoners, "The Juice" was one of America's favorite token blackies. Most famous for his token black work in The Naked Gun series, OJ won people over with his good looks and charisma. He would have surely been higher on this list if not for his subsequent fall from grace.

#19 - Bryant Gumbel
For a long time Bryant Gumbel was THE poster child for token black people in the world of television news. He is most famous for his work in sportscasting and for anchoring the Today show during the 80's and 90's. Gumbel is also rather famous for being one of the whitest black dudes in history. Paul Mooney once famously joked that "white people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

#18 - Doug Williams
Doug Williams

The only black QB ever to win a Super Bowl. Well that is unless you count Joe Namath and his pimpin' ass!

Fur Coat
Rockin a fur coat on the bench. Now that's pimpin!

#17 - Token

Everybody's favorite token black child at South Park Elementary. You gotta love the fact that they actually named him "Token". That shit stills cracks me up to this day.

#16 - Jim Kelly/ Bruce Leroy
Jim Kelly

Everyone knows the line...

"Man, you come straight out of a comic book!"

That was what Jim Kelly, also known as that black dude from Enter the Dragon, said right before he was killed (in typical token black dude style). Kelly wasn't in the movie long, but he lit up the screen with his afro and general smoothness when he was.

Because of the huge success of movies like Enter the Dragon, white people spent most of the 80s trying to be good at martial arts. Amongst all the Karate Kids, and Chuck Norrises, and Ninja Turtles (Come on guys, we all know they were white), was The Last Dragon.

Bruce Leroy

The Last Dragon was a movie about Bruce Leroy, an awkward black kid who idolized Bruce Lee. The movie also had a black shogun villain named Sho' Nuff. Classic token black history right there.

We should have all known Kany was crazy after he tried to bring back this style!

Tune in next time for #11-15. Peace, love, and hair grease y'all.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Sometimes I Feel Like Quitting...

I was supposed to do a set last night in Manhattan for this "red carpet" webshow event. The show was mainly rappers and singers, with a few spoken word poets thrown in the mix. I was going to be the only comic.

The format of the evening was supposed to be as follows.

The webshow would be taped from 7:30-9:30. I would do a quick 4 minute set and then give a quick interview after. Then at 10 there was going to be a showcase in which I would do 8 minutes. There were supposed to be a few magazines, and other types of press there (nothing big, but exposure was the key). Here is the kicker. I paid to be on this show. 50 dollars to be exact.

I am an idiot. This is the first and last time I have ever done something like that.

So I get to the place at 7 and the dude is in front. I gave him the money, which he had wanted ahead of time, but I told him I'd give it to him there. If the place had been empty, I would have just turned around and went home.

I wish it had been empty.

I was stuck waiting around at that place for almost four hours. The webshow came and went without me getting one second of time. Then the showcase started at ten and I still had no idea what was going on. By that time, I was determined to get my money back. I waited for it to end and then talked to the dude who had my money. He tried to give me the run around telling me I had to talk to his partner. I spent fifteen minutes locating his partner and then brought him over so I could talk to both of them at the same time.

Despite the fact that I had asked about ten different times when I would be going up, despite the fact that I never the building, despite the fact that I was not on the webshow (which is what the money was supposed to be for in the first place), the guy still tried to say he wasn't giving me my money back because he called me to the stage and I did not respond. Hello! I was there for four hours! Was I supposed to be on standby the entire night!!!

I started to lose my cool after arguing with them for about ten minutes. This is when the woman who was taking money at the door stepped in and gave me my money back. I had never even spoken to her, yet she was the one who ended up saying "that's not how we do business". The dude still didn't want to let her give it to me either. I wanted to fuck his shit up so bad!

And so xanga, that was my night yesterday. Another day, another lesson learned. This business can be a real bitch sometimes.

Hey how bout watching this video to make me feel better...

Dave's Sexy/Unsexy Girl of the Week

Oh my goodness. Thank God it's Friday. I just had one hell of a long week!

Since it's Friday, I thought I'd get the weekend kickstarted with a little bit of fun. Once again, it's time for me to bring sexy back around here. Let's see who we're gettin on this week...

Dave's Sexy "Unsexy" Girl of the Week - Sonia Sotomayor

Aww yeah. That's what I'm talkin' bout!

Okay, I know I've made jokes about her being a handsome woman before, but she is a Supreme Court Justice! That is power right there. Imagine the legal connections she must have. Do you know how many people I've wanted to sue, but haven't because of my unwillingness to deal with the legal system? Mechanics, the NYPD, Target, Honda, the local movie theater, Lil Wayne (for assaulting my brain). The list goes on and on.

If I put that good lovin' on Sotomayor I imagine I could get some of that payback. Plus, she looks like the type of woman who would really appreciate it. (Cause she looks like she hasn't had some good lovin' in a real long time.)

I got what you need baby girl.

Okay let's move on. I am getting all hot and bothered.

Dave's Unsexy "Sexy" Girl of the Week - The Real Housewives of New Jersey

I'm sorry, but these broads would have to do something in my house.

Okay, here's the deal. If I am a millionaire and you are my wife, and all you do all day is sit around spending my money, you'd better be really, really hot. These chicks are just not cutting it! Is this what passes for a trophy wife these days? If anything the Real Housewives of New Jersey are the types of trophies that you get just for participating. Any loser can get one.

You guys really don't know how much it annoys me that these bitches get to sit on their ass all day and do nothing. It makes me question if God loves me.

real-housewives-of-new-jersey-01_2June Cleaver
"Yo Danielle Staub, I know you cryin' and Imma let you finish, but June Cleaver was one of the best housewives of all time!"

Holla at y'all next time.

Friday, September 11, 2009

It's Only Appropriate...

Since Jay-Z dropped The Blueprint 3 today, I feel it's only appropriate that I share this with you guys one more time. This is for all of those people who say that rap can't be educational...

A few days ago I was joking around with a friend on here that I should do a spoof of Jay-Z's song D.O.A (Death of Autotune) and relate it to the sad state of affairs around this place lately. What started out as a joke became a little project for me over the past two days. Now that it's done, I can share it with all of you.

I posted the lyrics to my song so you guys can follow along if you want. If haven't heard the original version go here.

D.O.A. (Death of Autopost)
by vanedave

la da da da... hey, hey, hey... goodbye

Only blogger to rewrite history without a pen
Vanedave on the track, let the strory begin...
begin... begin...

Verse 1:
This is anti-autopost, death of the revelife
This ain't for featured posts, fuck all the ish sites
This is PimpDave on ya airwaves, run along
Back to your lonely troll caves where you belong
Wrong, you didn't use spell check
Blog ain't gramattically correct
Crap bloggers get outta my face
Your shit got readers thinkin that they on myspace
Get your pride tooken
Flame you on your own page while everybody lookin
I know we facin a recession,
but the posts that y'all be writin gonna make it the great depression.
Lack creativity,
Jon and Kate plus 8 don't mean shit to me
Don't make me get violent
This is death of autopost, moment of silence...

Repeat Chorus

Verse 2:
Holdup, if ya feelin this than rec it
Don't be a hater, find that button and press it
All I gotta do is flex and,
Ms. c_jamaica will feel threatened
Stop your blood clot crying
Wanna be a top blogger so bad why you lying?
Trynna disrespect my site
Ya head ain't right if its me you wanna fight
Been blogging eight years straight
Writing is always top rate
This is for seedsower and saintvi
Throwin it back like Thursdays with Mrs. P
This here's for all the Jesses
All the Matts and all o' y'all from Texas
Don't make me get violent
This is death of autopost, moment of silence...

Repeat Chorus

Verse 3:
Holdup, I need all y'all to hear me
Perhaps I need to spell this out more clearly
Had enough of all your antics
Really all y'all trynna be is TheoDan's sidekick
Heads are so thick
All these comment whores just waiting for the next trick
Desperate for attention
Mass message people like every two seconds
This fight is just not fair
That's why I think I'm just about to end it right there.
Shout to Sam fuckin Fish
Shout to Ris, Ciaobella, and Edlives
This flow sound so sick
You prefer Twitter then you can eat a d***
Yeah it just got violent
This is death of autopost, moment of silence...

la da da da... hey, hey, hey... goodbye

Cue random end of rap song gibberish